DUCHESS CATHERINE GIVES BIRTH TO A SON: She was hoping for a dragon.
SUPERMAN-BATMAN MOVIE ANNOUNCED AT COMIC-CON: Custodial staff still cleaning the seats.
MILEY CYRUS’ PARENTS CALL OFF THEIR DIVORCE: Credit couples therapy, mutual hatred for Miley’s haircut.
JOHN STAMOS REUNITED WITH HIS “FULL HOUSE” BAND, JESSIE & THE RIPPERS: The hairspray cloud could be seen for miles.
TINA TURNER MARRIES LONGTIME BEAU IN ZURICH: Instead of bridesmaids, she had the Iketts.
JENNIFER LAWRENCE SAYS HER PARENTS TOOK HER OSCAR: Until she brings her grades up.
IAN McKELLEN SAYS HE’S LOOKING FOR A HUSBAND: He’s finally gotten over his breakup with Saruman.
PENELOPE CRUZ GIVES BIRTH THE SAME DAY AT KATE: Wacky switched-at-birth hijinks ensue.
GERALDO RIVERA POSTS NEARLY NUDE PHOTO OF HIMSELF ON TWITTER: Fortunately, his mustache hid nearly everything.
FILMMAKER MICHAEL MOORE FILES FOR DIVORCE: Blames irreconcilable differences, George W. Bush.
SACHA BARON COHEN QUITS FREDDIE MERCURY BIOPIC: He won’t, he won’t rock you.
MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL SUSPENDS SLUGGER RYAN BRAUN: No brains, artificial brawn.
STUDY CONFIRMS DOLPHINS CALL EACH OTHER BY NAME: We can’t print the ones they use off the coast of New Jersey.
ANTHONY WEINER ADMITS HE DID MORE SEXTING: Couldn’t keep his phone in his pants.
JIMMY FALLON, WIFE NANCY WELCOME BABY GIRL: An heir to the late-night throne.
SNOOKI ATTACKS SMALL-TOWN RESIDENTS IN INSTAGRAM RANT: Attack of the 50-inch woman.
— DAVE LARSEN, RANDY PALMER, TERRY MORRIS