KIM KARDASHIAN, KANYE WEST WELCOME BABY DAUGHTER: The baby was followed out the womb by a pack of photographers.
MISS UTAH BOMBS DURING PAGEANT INTERVIEW: Misspelling her state on her sash should have been the first clue.
CHARLIE SHEEN OUSTS SELMA BLAIR FROM “ANGER MANAGEMENT”: She took his tiger blood from the break room fridge.
VLADIMIR PUTIN DENIES STEALING ROBERT KRAFT’S SUPER BOWL RING: Has himself Photoshopped into team photo.
CHINESE SUPERCOMPUTER BEATS U.S. MACHINE AS WORLD’S MOST POWERFUL: Still no match for a Dodge Charger with a hemi.
DAVE CHAPPELLE GOING OUT ON TOUR: He’s hitting every venue on Xenia Ave.
JUSTIN BIEBER’S CAR HITS PAPARAZZO, BUT COPS CLEAR HIM: The cops’ daughters were thrilled to get Bieber’s autograph.
JAY-Z ANNOUNCES 12TH ALBUM, CALLED “MAGNA CARTA HOLY GRAIL”: The beats are provided by coconuts.
RYAN REYNOLDS EXITS “HIGHLANDER” REMAKE: There can be only one.
“SESAME STREET” HAS CREATED A MUPPET WHOSE PARENT IS IN JAIL: He’s sharing a cell with the guy who voiced Elmo.
IVANKA TRUMP WON’T TOLERATE “SPOILED, BRATTY” DAUGHTER: There can be only one.
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS TO RETURN TO BROADWAY AS “HEDWIG”: It’s subtitled, “How I Met Your Neuter.”
GENE WILDER CALLS “WILLY WONKA” REMAKE AN INSULT: He finally just got around to watching it on Netflix.
RUSSELL BRAND ASKED KATY PERRY FOR DIVORCE BY TEXT: Spared himself the tears, her the smell.
JOHNNY DEPP NEARLY GETS TRAMPLED BY A HORSE: It was actually Gene Wilder in a costume.
AMY ADAMS SAYS SHE HAS “NO FEATURES WITHOUT MAKEUP”: Blames her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head.
— DAVE LARSEN, RANDY PALMER, TERRY MORRIS