AMANDA BYNES PLANS TO BECOME A RAPPER: Lil Fruitcake.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON MAY PLAY HILARY CLINTON: With Megan Fox as Janet Reno and Jennifer Lawrence as Madeline Albright.
JERRY LEWIS SLAMS THE CANNES FILM FESTIVAL: Not enough films with people falling down.
BARBARA EDEN, 78, PUTS ON “I DREAM OF JEANNIE” COSTUME: Needs a stair lift to get into the bottle.
COUPLE STAB EACH OTHER OVER “AMERICAN IDOL” FINALE: It’s nice to see Simon and Paula still watch the show.
BEN AFFLECK GETS HONORARY DEGREE FROM BROWN UNIVERSITY: Matt Damon still sweeping floors at MIT.
HANSON BROTHERS LAUNCH NEW BEER CALLED “MMMHOPS”: It has the bitter taste of diminished dreams.
“SUPERMAN” HARRY CAVILL REVEALS: “I WAS FAT”: Blames Kryptonite, Snickers bars.
“BREAKING BAD” STAR AARON PAUL GETS MARRIED: They tied beakers and test tubes to the back of the RV.
DANICA PATRICK CRASHES AFTER BOYFRIEND FORCES RACE CAR INTO WRECK: He claims she was texting while driving.
GISELE BUNDCHEN SHUNS MAKEUP AND RETOUCHING IN NEW AD CAMPAIGN: However, she insists the photos be taken from space.
PAUL MCCARTNEY LEAVES GUITAR PICK ON ELVIS’ GRAVE: The double-chocolate cheesecake beneath it disappeared without a trace.
BEYONCE GETS BUTT-SLAPPER TOSSED FROM SHOW: He was charged with desecrating a national treasure.
CHINESE HACKERS BREACHED U.S. MILITARY SYSTEMS: Luckily, they didn’t know the password was JOSHUA.
JUSTIN BIEBER BEING INVESTIGATED FOR RECKLESS DRIVING: It’s hard to steer and flip off paparazzi at the same time.
DISNEYLAND’S TOONTOWN EVACUATED AFTER EXPLOSION: Christopher Lloyd, Wile E. Coyote sought for questioning.
— DAVE LARSEN, RANDY PALMER, TERRY MORRIS