WILL SMITH’S “AFTER EARTH” FLOPS AT BOX OFFICE: He regrets not having Tommy Lee Jones play his son.
“AMERICAN IDOL” TOUR CANCELS NINE DATES: Those cities were washing their hair that night.
MATT SMITH IS LEAVING “DOCTOR WHO”: Hopes to “regenerate” into something less nerdy.
KIM KARDASHIAN, KANYE WEST ARE HAVING A BABY GIRL: Or, as Kim calls her, a “spin-off.”
DICK VAN DYKE BLAMES DENTAL IMPLANTS FOR HEAD PAIN: All those stumbles over the ottoman didn’t help.
SINGER-ACTRESS PIA ZADORA ARRESTED FOR ASSAULT: Someone popped in a DVD of “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.”
BRAD PITT, ANGELINA JOLIE KEEP “NO SECRETS” FROM KIDS: They told them where babies come from — foreign countries.
AMANDA BYNES SAYS SHE HAD ANOTHER NOSE JOB: It’s the first job she’s had in years.
AL PACINO SAYS HE WAS ALMOST CAST AS HAN SOLO: Leave the blaster, take the cannoli.
DISNEY BOOSTS THEME PARK TICKET PRICES: Scrooge McDuck smiles, swan dives into fresh pile of cash.
OSU PRESIDENT GORDON GEE STEPPING DOWN: He was caught trading bow ties for tattoos.
STEVEN SEGAL TO BE “THE FACE OF THE RUSSIAN WEAPONS INDUSTRY”: Apparently, the industry is incapable of showing emotion.
IRON MAIDEN’S BRUCE DICKINSON WANTS TO LAUNCH AIRLINE: All flights are numbered 666.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE WANTS TO BE IN “STAR WARS”: He’ll fit nicely into the R2-D2 costume.
JACK WHITE PAYS TAX BILL FOR HISTORIC DETROIT TEMPLE: They now worship pasty white guitarists.
GRUMPY CAT LANDS MOVIE DEAL: Refuses to take Garfield’s calls.
— DAVE LARSEN, RANDY PALMER, TERRY MORRIS