PAULA DEEN LOSES HAM ENDORSEMENT DEAL: “Th-th-that’s all, folks!”
JIM CARREY SLAMS OWN MOVIE OVER VIOLENT CONTENT: Yet still supports “humor” in “Bruce Almighty.”
JON STEWART APPEARS ON THE EGYPTIAN “DAILY SHOW”: Here’s your moment of Ra.
TWINKIES RETURNING TO STORE SHELVES IN JULY: On their own.
GEORGE LUCAS MARRIES MELLODY HOBSON AT SKYWALKER RANCH: CGI bridesmaids were added later.
NIK WALLENDA WIRE WALKS ACROSS GRAND CANYON ON LIVE TV: In case of disaster, the network had a “pfft” sound effect ready.
CARLOS SANTANA SPENDS $6 MILLION ON COMPLETELY AUTOMATED VEGAS HOME: Now he can relax while robots play 20-minute guitar solos.
THE ROCK BULKS UP FOR “HERCULES”: His muscles now have muscles.
KANYE WEST CALLS KIM KARDASHIAN HIS “TRUE LOVE”: She’s been promoted from his “boo.”
“STORAGE WARS” STAR WINS $750 IN SUIT AGAINST PORN SITE: That will just about cover Jarrod’s subscription.
NEW MICHAEL JACKSON WAXWORKS UNVEILED FOUR YEARS AFTER HIS DEATH: All those Vincent Price movies tell us this won’t end well.
“UNDER THE DOME” OFF TO BIG RATINGS START: It’s a big hit in Oakwood.
ALYSSA MILANO, 40, GOES NEARLY TOPLESS FOR MAXIM: Readers nearly half her age.
KATIE PERRY AND JOHN MAYER KISS IN NYC: Just to tick off Taylor Swift.
MARIE OSMOND IS GOING TO BE A GRANDMA: Maxim is on line one.
WILL SMITH WON’T BE IN “INDEPENDENCE DAY” SEQUEL: Even the aliens are over him.
— DAVE LARSEN, RANDY PALMER