BRUNO MARS TO PERFORM AT 2014 SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW: Over-the-Hill Rock Stars Inc. files lawsuit over lost franchise.
ALEC BALDWIN TO HOST MSNBC SHOW: The first episode ends badly when he punches a cameraman.
TOKYO TO HOST 2020 SUMMER OLYMPICS: Athletes not wild about the Hello Kitty medals.
LARGEST FERRIS WHEEL NEARS COMPLETION IN LAS VEGAS: Replaces Willie Nelson as the highest thing on the strip.
SIMON COWELL SAYS GIRLFRIEND DID NOT TRAP HIM WITH PREGNANCY: She used a piece of cheese.
ELTON JOHN TO HONOR LIBERACE AT EMMY AWARDS: Not his piano-playing, just his wardrobe.
ONE DIRECTION STAR VOMITS DURING CHARITY SOCCER MATCH: Unfortunately, it went in more than one direction.
MONSTER SHRIMP INVADE U.S. COASTAL WATERS: Residents arming themselves with giant tiny forks.
ARSENIO HALL RETURNS WITH NEW TALK SHOW: He’s hoping to book some big names like Sheena Easton and Phillip Michael Thomas.
“GAME OF THRONES” CAST ICELANDIC BAND SIGUR ROS IN SEASON 4: Arctic Monkeys weren’t available.
MARVEL’S “ANT MAN” GETS SUMMER 2015 RELEASE DATE: Just in time for picnic season.
KRIS JENNER’S TV CREW “HAPPY HER SHOW GOT CANCELED”: They’re hoping for a less hazardous assignment, like covering Syria.
LEAH REMINI “LOST FRIENDS” AFTER LEAVING SCIENTOLOGY: Not to mention Tom Cruise egging her house.
SHARON OSBOURNE HAD A “FLING” WITH JAY LENO IN HER 20S: She was going through her “good boy” phase.
“TRUE BLOOD’S” ALEXANDER SKARSGARD TO RACE PRINCE HARRY TO SOUTH POLE: Neither plans to wear pants.
MILEY CYRUS AND BRITNEY SPEARS TEAM UP ON UPCOMING SINGLE: Also known as the first sign of the apocalypse.
— DAVE LARSEN, RANDY PALMER, TERRY MORRIS