RUSSIAN PRESIDENT PUTIN TO FIGHT ZOMBIES IN MOBILE VIDEO GAME: “Vere is Carl?”
RIHANNA BOOED AFTER ARRIVING 80 MINUTES LATE TO CONCERT: She blamed it on the slow loris.
TAYLOR SWIFT SAYS SHE’S “NEVER HAD A PERFECT FIT WITH SOMEONE”: It’s just so hard finding guys who act like 14-year-old girls.
CNN FILMS CANCELS HILLARY CLINTON DOCUMENTARY: Bill kept talking to the camera like he was on “The Office.”
BRIDGET JONES’ DIARY FANS LIVID OVER LATEST BOOK’S PLOT TWIST: Darcy introduces her to bondage and discipline.
BO DEREK COMPETES IN TURKEY SWIM RACE: “As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could swim.”
NICKELODEON LAUNCHES KIDS’ RADIO STATION: Fewer booger jokes than most FM morning shows.
“THE SIMPSONS” PLANS TO KILL MAJOR CHARACTER: Homer never should have started that meth lab.
MOLECULE USED TO MAKE PLASTIC DETECTED ON MOON OF SATURN: Apple already building a factory.
YOUTUBE TO STAGE ITS OWN MUSIC AWARDS SHOW: Best video a toss-up between Lady Gaga and the piano-playing cat.
BARBARA WALTERS APOLOGIZES TO KATY PERRY: She totally regrets sleeping with Russell Brand.
PAMELA ANDERSON TO RUN NYC MARATHON: In slow-motion, of course.
“DANCING WITH THE STARS” SENDS BILL NYE HOME: Retreats to his lab, plots revenge.
JUSTIN BIEBER CARRIED UP GREAT WALL OF CHINA BY BODYGUARDS: And then hurled over the side.
BRAD PITT TAKES THE TWINS TO LEGOLAND: Swarmed by paparazzi minifigures.
SANDRA BULLOCK CALLS “GRAVITY” HER “BEST LIFE DECISION”: Adopting that kid barely cracked her top five.
— DAVE LARSEN, RANDY PALMER, TERRY MORRIS