KIM KARDASHIAN AND KANYE WEST ARE ENGAGED: We give it 73 days.
CAROL BURNETT HONORED WITH MARK TWAIN PRIZE: She paints a mean picket fence.
LADY GAGA GOES ON TWITTER RANT: “Stop paying attention to @Miley!”
BRUCE JENNER IS NOT ON THE MARKET FOR A NEW GIRLFRIEND: He plans to make one from spare Kardashian parts.
L.A. CRACKS DOWN ON HOLLYWOOD TOUR VENDORS: The “Lindsay Lohan DUI Tour” was tying up traffic.
JOHNNY DEPP GOES BLOND: Wants to have more fun, distance himself from Tonto.
SHIA LABEOUF TWEETS NUDE PHOTO: He’s planning to run for New York City mayor.
MARILYN MANSON TO VOICE SHADOW ON “ONCE UPON A TIME”: Tinkerbell dyes her hair black and locks herself in her room.
“THE FIFTH ESTATE” FLOPS AT BOX OFFICE: Audiences thought they needed to see parts 1-4.
DICK CHENEY SAYS HE FEARED PACEMAKER HACKING: George W. Bush kept trying to make him dance like a robot.
MICHAEL DOUGLAS SAYS “THINGS ARE GREAT”: Cracks open another beer, belches and turns on “SportsCenter.”
DOLLY PARTON SUFFERS MINOR INJURIES IN CAR ACCIDENT: Fortunately, she has her own airbags.
JENNIFER LOPEZ WAS TOLD TO CHANGE HER BODY EARLY IN HER CAREER: That third arm was really holding her back.
“JERSEY SHORE” STAR PAULY D IS A DAD: Pauly Shore misreads headline, has mild heart attack.
THIRD EYE BLIND ORDERED TO PAY $438K TO FORMER GUITARIST: It’s for the pain and suffering of being in Third Eye Blind.
JAMIE FOXX PRODUCES “GRAVITY” PARODY ON HIS SMARTPHONE: He stars as D’Astronaut.
— DAVE LARSEN, RANDY PALMER, TERRY MORRIS