Attention, fellow husbands! If you’re looking for a surefire way to bring frost to your marriage, I have the perfect answer.
My wife and I are enjoying an amiable conversation the other evening during a commercial on one of those entertainment “news” programs — the kind in which the “reporter” gushes phrases such as, “The whole world is waiting breathlessly to learn whether Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are getting back together … and only WE have the exclusive details.”
When the commercial ends and the program resumes, the next story concerns a golfer by the name of Hunter Mahan. After two rounds in a tournament called the RBC Canadian Open — where the winner will receive $1 million — Mahan held a two-stroke lead.
As he was on the practice range preparing for the next round, he received a phone call from his wife in Texas, informing him that she was about to go into labor. Which left Mahan with a choice.
He could (a) drop his club, drop out of the tournament, fly home immediately and hope to get there in time to be with his wife for the delivery.
Or, he could (b) finish the tournament, maybe win $1 million and buy the baby a really nice present in the airport gift shop the next day.
“Boy,” I say to my wife, “that would really be tough choice.”
The temperature in the room immediately drops 25 degrees, even though the air conditioning has been off for the last three days.
The chill is accompanied by one of those “uh, oh” silences known to every man who has been married for more than a day and half. The same sound he hears when she asks the question, “Do these jeans make my butt look big?” and he waits just a second too long before saying, “Of course not, sweetheart.”
So I immediately swing into spousal damage control.
“What I meant was, a million bucks is a lot of money and it could really change their lives,” I point out. “When the kid turns 18 it could pay for two years of college.” But it’s too little, too late and there would be no thaw at our house that evening.
Mahan, by the way, selected (a), rushing home in time to be at his wife’s side to greet their daughter, Zoe. And, while he didn’t get the $1 million, he was praised for “doing the right thing” by just about everyone. Especially the guy who took advantage of Mahan’s absence to win the tournament.
So maybe my wife had a point and I deserved that frost.
But, still … a million bucks?