Local expert weighs in on physician who said parents are 'raising kids wrong'

We wanted a local expert's perspective on Dr. Sax's opinion, so we turned to

, Executive Director of the

.

Dr. Ramey also writes FamilyWise, a weekly parenting column for the Dayton Daily News.

Do you think Sax's argument is right or wrong?
Dr. Ramey: I got a chance to read [the article] this morning. It was mostly on point with a few errors.

I think the main message of parents being in control is absolutely correct. There are certainly some examples of parents being overly permissive. That being the main message, I strongly agree with that. I strongly agree with what the author focused on in terms of the key attributes for children to learn in order to become successful adults.

Self-control is number one. There is no factor that predicts success in life more than learning self-control at an early age. There is nothing that even comes close to it.

Where do parents go wrong? 
Dr. Ramey: The other issues that he mentioned—contentiousness and gratitude—again, I am a strong supporter of those as being key variables. Where I think folks like this make an error is failure to distinguish between an authoritarian parenting style versus and authoritative parenting style.

The authoritarian style -- these are parents who have strict rules and consequences, they are in control, not their kids. They tend to be very demanding parents with high expectations. These are parents who are not very flexible -- in fact flexibility is viewed as a sign of weakness and concern that their kids will manipulate the situation.

What should readers understand about Sax's statement?
Dr. Ramey: I think the research is really clear that that style doesn't produce happiness. The reason being is that our job as parents is to prepare our kids for a world in which we are not around. So when the parents have that authoritarian style, the kids actually never learn to make decisions on their own, fail, do other things that are critical for them to be successful.

The authoritative parenting style -- again, parents are expressing limits on the child's behavior, but then they are giving them choices. It's done with a clear understanding that the parents are in charge, [and] there is much more warmth, engagement and affection between the parents and the kids. So my overall message is "great idea," but I think he is confusing those two styles, and I think that is a very important distinction.


Sax said, "this is a generation of parents who are spending more time with children than any previous generation. But instead of spending time at family meals, this generation is spending time shuttling children from one extracurricular activity to the next or spending time doing their work for them." What do you make of this?
Dr. Ramey:  Well I don't know if it is true, to tell you the truth. While a lot of parents want to involve their kids in various activities, I know a lot that make meal time a very high priority. I know a lot of parents that restrict the number of activities their kids are involved in. I know a lot of parents who try not to be friends with their kids.

So again, I think he’s talking about a segment of parents. He’s absolutely correct that this is not a good thing to do. The suggestions he makes at the end about this not being about family meals and taking TV screens out of the bedroom, teaching humility—he couldn’t be more correct on those things. The research continues to be very clear that what he’s talking about, really are the important things that we as parents should do.

What I am unwilling to do is indict a generation of parents who are not doing these things, when I think many parents I know and the research I read tells me a lot of parents are making an effort to do these things.


Sax writes,  "Give lessons that show children that they are not the most important people in the world. They need to be able to see the world through another lens and be able to handle rejection or failure. It really cannot be "everybody gets a trophy." How important is teaching humility to children?
Dr. Ramey: I really very loudly applaud that statement. Probably the focus on making kids the center of our world may be the most important mistake that well-meaning parents make.

I have written several articles about how when parents tell me that their kids are the highest priority. I tell them that that’s probably the biggest mistake they're making as a parent. In the real world, you and I know that we’re never the highest priority. We have to learn to compromise, we have to learn to get along with other people.

To tell kids "you are my highest priority"? If parents have any "highest priority," it ought to be their spouse, not their kids.


Do you think rules of parenting are black and white-- that there is only one right way to parent, or the wrong way?
Dr. Ramey: Yes I do. I really do think there is a right way, going back to the four parenting styles.

I think again that the research is pretty clear that being a permissive parent is the wrong way to do it. Parents who are authoritarian—wrong way. Parents who are not involved—wrong way.

So I do think in terms of general principles of raising kids that there is an overall style that is more likely to raise children who are moral, respectful, responsible, who have a high degree of self-control, and who are happy.

The number one thing in every piece of research that happiness depends on is relationships. Happy people are in good relationships. So again I think taking that theme of relationships and how you have a good relationship with your child—that kind of authoritarian style—as a parenting style for kids is absolutely the wrong style. It will not produce happy kids who are in good relationships.


How do parents stop the cycle of "bad parenting"?
Dr. Ramey: That's an entirely different article. The way you make any behavior changes is not by getting great insight and by changing your entire life—that may feel good for a while but it doesn't work.

The way people change, whether it's losing weight or making better relationships or being a better parent, is by setting a very, very, very small goal and working to achieve it. If I as a parent have a problem with controlling my temper or being too demanding at meal time, I would pick some very small goals and work at being successful at that. If you try at something much larger, chances are you're going to fail.


What are your thoughts on physical discipline, such as spanking?
Dr. Ramey:  As a parent of three kids and a professional psychologist for 36 years, I've never hit my kids and I've never recommended that parents ever hit their kids. That's a matter of personal style.

[The] science of spanking is, I think, very clear. Consistent, repetitive, harsh hitting of a child is bad. An occasional slap on the fanny of a young child has no bad consequences.


What are your thoughts? Do you agree with Dr. Ramey or Dr. Sax? Let us know -- send your responses to Kamron.Taylor@coxinc.com.