MISSING “INSIDE OUT” EMOTIONS REVEALED: “Jealousy,” “Rage” plotting major payback.
ADELE’S “HELLO” SELLS 1.1 MILLION DOWNLOADS ITS FIRST WEEK: A confused Lionel Richie buys a new Rolls.
DAME MAGGIE SMITH HASN’T SEEN “DOWNTON ABBEY”: She’s just now getting through “Breaking Bad.”
MARK WAHLBERG WILL BE THE “SIX BILLION DOLLAR MAN” IN 2017: He’s already started running, but in slow-motion.
THEATER CHAINS CRACKING DOWN ON “STAR WARS” MASKS, WEAPONS: Ushers also being trained to resist Jedi mind tricks.
NEW “STAR TREK” TV SERIES IS IN THE WORKS: Their first mission is to capture the Tribble on Donald Trump’s head.
PROTESTERS CRASH “MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL”: Immediately drafted by the Detroit Lions.
KENDALL JENNER WILL WALK IN THE VICTORIA’S SECRET FASHION SHOW: Actually, she plans to use Uber.
JON STEWART HEADED TO HBO IN FOUR-YEAR DEAL: He will have to do some nude scenes.
AMAZON OPENS ITS FIRST RETAIL LOCATION: In a former Best Buy.
ACTIVISION BUYS “CANDY CRUSH” MAKER FOR $5.9 BILLION: Just to stop them from sending invites on Facebook.
SNOOKI WAS A “DRUNK BRIDESMAID” AT JWOWW’S WEDDING: No drunker than the groom had to be.
LIAM NEESON TO STAR AS DEEP THROAT IN WATERGATE THRILLER: Kicks Woodward and Bernstein’s butts.
LIL WAYNE’S MIAMI MANSION RAIDED BY POLICE: Who then stayed to party.
— DAVE LARSEN, RANDY PALMER, KYLE NAGEL
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